I can’t speak for an outsider looking in on depression. I very much am in the trenches, fighting with depression. But if you are on the outside, desperate to help your struggling loved one, here are some ways that you can help them:

1. Don’t shame them. Your loved one is already being hard on on them self. Criticism is like adding a gallon of fuel to the fire. “If you would exercise more you wouldn’t be depressed.” is an example. You think you’re helping them, but to them it feels like criticism. Exercise does help people with depression. You’re not wrong here. But perhaps you can discuss it when they aren’t depressed.
2. Let them sleep. If you are around to watch their kiddos (dads…moms…) then do it so they can sleep. I can’t tell you how many times that I went to sleep because it was easier than feeling depressed, and woke up later feeling much better.
3. Be sure they are taking their prescriptions. The majority of us aren’t doctors, so we shouldn’t assume that we know when we need our Lexapro and when we don’t. Consistency is key, even if they’re feeling great. Because during those times of happiness, it means the medicine is working. Suicidal thoughts can return like a storm for someone that suddenly stops taking antidepressants.
4. Be there for them, but not up in their face. If your spouse is curled up on the bed weeping, you can show them they aren’t alone by simply bringing them a glass of water or rubbing their back gently. If they are ready to talk about it, they will. But don’t be afraid to let them cry it out.
5. Help them find the right doctor for them. Not all doctors are created equal when it comes to knowing how to prescribe antidepressants. Several times I went half-crazy because the doctor I was seeing didn’t know the right meds to give me, or they had me stop a certain antidepressant abruptly and start something new, instead of simply increasing the dosage.
6. Make sure they keep their appointments. When someone is depressed, motivation is hard to find. Even though a trip to the doctor will help, we depressed people don’t always follow through. Especially if we’ve been depressed but then magically feel good on the day of the appointment. Personally, my fear was that my doctor would think that I’m lying and making things up. Silly I know, but it happens. So even if you need to take them to their appointment, make sure they keep it.
7. Breathe. This too shall pass. I know that watching someone you love struggle is hard on you too. Be there for them and sympathetic. The sun will shine again.